On this wonderful evening in November, I'm writing again. A few things have spurred this occasion: I just got back from a furry convention. I also have been overdue for a long while in terms of updates as to how my life has been going in terms of work, love, and just life in general. I've also not had a chance to generally vent or express my emotions or thoughts unless it was to a specific person. A few people have commented when they see my blog that it's been a while since I've posted (obviously), so without further ado, away we go!

First on my list of things to go over is how the last weekend of my life went. I went to an absolutely wonderful furry convention called MidWest Fur Fest and it is held near Chicago, IL. It was my first visit to that area, or the state of Illinois in general. As I got on the plane with my boyfriend (Aaron) and one of my pups (Drew), I felt a little nervous. What was this con going to hold in store for me? I'd already forgotten my backpack of possible importance (Turned out to be nothing more in there than my tablet and some warmer clothes), who knew what would happen next? Who would I meet? How many people would I meet? Would it just be another let down? You see, I've been attending a local convention to San Jose called Further Confusion since 2006 or so. It's evolved a bit and certainly has grown. So much so now, we've moved into a convention center, and not just a hotel anymore. As the years have gone by though, it's felt less and less fun. No one new, no new panels, and no new... anything really. Understandably, I was a bit nervous. 

The first night was a bit frosty at about 28 degrees in the middle of the night, but that was really not all that bad compared to other weather I've experienced. Perhaps because I was never out in the cold long while there. At this point, I'm going to start using nicknames, and I apologize. I met up with one of my other pups (Chris), Royal, Cyan, Dusk, and a number of others. Most of the weekend was a bit of a blur in terms of how many people I met that I'd been talking to for months or even years. I am still a bit in shock at how well all of it went. I also met up with a good friend I'd met in Michigan some years ago (Osaka). At first, I thought it was going to be a bit lonely, but as I wandered and found more people just talking, and enjoying each other's company it was less hard to just sit down and people watch, or randomly say hello. One thing I noticed about the midwest, or maybe it's just this con, but... people seemed more homely, more friendly, more... happy. Out here, it seems people are so rushed and caught up in doing everything they can in 5 days that it's impossible to get a hello in. 

Thursday night, I ended up getting my registration all settled for the con, and milling about meeting people. Friday night, I got to hang out and meet a few more of my boyfriend's friends, Luna and Lupine and Trace. A event occurred that night that basically made my life almost flash before my eyes and to realize just who I have sleeping beside me each and every night. I had a good emotional breakdown that night and I think let down any possible walls I had to Aaron. He read me like a book in terms of how I was feeling that night, and it was eye opening. I have always been known to wear my heart on my shoulder, but it was most apparent that night. I realized if I lost him, I'd likely lose everything I've worked towards. I not only work towards making myself happy anymore, but I also work towards making a better life for me, Aaron, and our pups. I've never experienced the death of a person, but I think I'll safely say now, I never want to. I'm not prepared for it. I love you, Aaron. With all of my heart. 

Saturday night was a introspective night, in that we went down to the last main dance of the convention. As I watched as everyone got their groove on, I realized then that I always want to be young at heart, but I often still try to act older than I am. I was reminded of a off the cuff remark a friend had made towards me once in which he asked if I was living vicariously through him. I think as we get older, we have no choice but to do so. I look at my pups, and am reminded of the youth I had, and the energy. It's amazing to me to see the life of those around me, and enjoy each and every moment with them. Aaron and I both realized this weekend we're pretty much the closest we'll ever be to parents right now, and it's invigorating and a bit scary all at the same time. To know you can have such an impact on a person's life is ... weird. I never thought I would have the chance. Though if I think back on it, I suppose I've influenced many people in my life time. I've helped so many people, and made quite a impression on them to where they may never forget me. I know I won't forget them. Drew and Chris, you're the best pups I could ever have. Thank you.

Sunday was the last day with Chris, and I sometimes have a hard time reading him, but on this night, we both got to see a bit of him I know I myself am honored to have seen. Our parting goodbyes were sad, and it's always heartwarming to have someone cry in front of you/in your arms. One, because they trust you enough that they are willing to open themselves up to you completely in at least a small way to show that they are indeed human. I called him a Troopski, because I was reminded at that moment of when my half sister told me in the hospital I was a trooper. I told Chris he was gonna be a little troopski, because I know deep down inside he's a strong guy, and when he needs to, he can pull that strength together as well as remember he has 3 rocks he can lean on if he needs it. The beginning of the day was neat as I got to see the first dance competition I'd ever seen at a furry convention. It was put together well, and aside from sound issues, and a performer or two, the rest of the show was rather fantastic. So much untapped talent. I'm proud of Drew, who placed 3rd in the competition. Your hard work and patience paid off again, pup.

As I came across the rest of the performers through the rest of the evening, I told them what a great job they did and that it was great getting to watch them. After that, I was a little reflective, as I wandered around the convention as it was all ending. I went to the Dead Dog dance, which was well, dead... and happened upon Skrat as I came out. More untapped talent, and realization as to just how underappreciated some of us are, and if some people just gave more than a first glance, they'd see what we are truly capable of. I got tired and headed to bed for another night of sleep which was lacking. Thankfully my last to round out the convention. Monday was the usual end of a convention, but at this event I walked away from a number of people knowing that I'd see them again. To all the friends I met at MFF: Thank you. You made my convention worth it. To all the staff of MFF: Thank you as well. Very transparently behind the scenes doing everything to keep the con running smoothly. Sadly, I miss the doubletree warm cookies already.

As me and Aaron and Drew got on the plane home, Aaron was stepping forward with what I can only describe as a "wedding pace". I joked: "Oh come on, hurry up, you're not at a wedding... yet." We both smiled and had some wonderful things to talk about on the plane ride home, and then the drive home with Drew sleeping every chance he could. All in all, a great weekend. It was quite literally what I needed, and could not have wished for anything more this weekend. I got closer to my mate, my pups, and some friends. People I have missed in this post that I met at the con: The Irate Fox, Apollo, ISOWolf, Bobcat, Vaska, and so many others. I apologize if I forgot your name, but if I met you, thank you for hanging out! It was a lot of fun, and I look forward to seeing you again. 

I think that's all for now. This week is Thanksgiving, and I'll try to be making another post on that day mentioning all that I'm thankful for. I have a awful lot now I didn't have this time last year. By the way, if you would like to see the pictures me and Aaron took during the convention, feel free to click this little link: MidWest FurFest 2011 Pictures

Until next time, everyone. Good night, and good luck.

Hello again readers, I'm finding myself a bit bored on this fine Sunday evening so I thought I would write a blog post. Figured what better time, eh? I've got a bit of writer's block, so this post may be more scatterbrained than usual, but we'll just have to see how things flow. This weekend I got to spend some time with a friend of mine that has been intermittently visible in the grand scheme of things. It's nice to see people that enjoy your company, and honestly I'm more happy I got to spend some time with him and the housemates than going to a crowded event I was thinking about going to this weekend. 

I've been finding that I'm turning into something of a recluse, and not quite sure why. It's mildly aggravating, for sure. I need to fix that. Kind of on the subject of going out, I tried exercising for about a week, and noticed I was hemorraging pounds (lost like 10 pounds in a week). Not terribly healthy. So I've gone back to my normal eating routine, and not exercising as much. I found if I started counting calories, it seemed like I was starving all the time, which by the end of the week meant I had no energy to do anything except sleep. I'll have to try exercising more first, then cutting calories later, I think. I'm still hovering around the 190 mark, which is something of an improvement, at least. 

In roommate news, two of my roomies are moving out (in August), and my Boyfriend moves in. It'll be the first time I've lived with a boyfriend for the first time in over 3 years I believe. I've grown accustomed to having my own room, but honestly, I'm ready to have someone to share any common interests with be in the same room with me regularly. It'll also be neat to have a change of scenery from the room I've been living in for a little over 2 years now. The boyfriend and I have been kinda incommunicado while he's been getting things sorted out here, but we're both very much looking forward to being together finally. The roomies are looking forward to him as well. 

I've been giving some people I stopped talking to/been holding grudges against some 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) chances to create SOME sort of conversation, but it looks as though we stopped talking because we literally must not have had anything in common. Though given, nowadays I don't have a whole lot to talk about. I kinda enjoy just... watching people lately (at least if I'm in a group). Their mannerisms, their laughs, gaining insight into their ways of thinking, it's all very intriguing. Some people have called it creepy, but I like to think of my watching people as admiring them. Not creeping on them or anything. As I grow older, I've noticed it seems to be increasingly easy to be creepy, which is not something I've ever wanted to do, nor do I ever. I just try to be good people and good entertainment, and a good friend.

Work's going rather well still, I was mentioned in a meeting with some of the supervisors recently (apparently). I am doing a rather good job with training colleagues, and doing the work I do. It's a nice feeling to get that silly little 'pat on the back' for doing a good job. I'll likely be salaried by the end of the year with the way things are looking, but I suppose that's what pre-occupies my thoughts nowadays really, is just... work. I don't have much else until my pup comes out, and I find it hard to just relax at the end of the day. I imagine that'll change when my pup comes out.

One of the other things I'm looking forward to (it's kind of work-related, which is sad), is getting a network set up that is optimal for everyone in it. Doing monitoring to make sure everything's running smoothly. I... think I still have a little bit of network administrator in me, and my boyfriend seems to feed that side of me as well. I enjoy it. It makes me feel, well, not so stupid when it comes to computers. And while most of you may think I'm not stupid when it comes to computers, I... may not be. But I feel out of date for sure. 

Anyway, I think that's enough of a brain splurge for now. If you want to see me write about something else, let me know, but in the meantime, I'm off. Good night, and good luck.

Once again, I'm overdue for a hello. But here I am, writing another post for all of you to enjoy and me to look back on. I hope all of you are doing well, or at least mildly so. I'll be covering a few things in this post, and mostly this is going to be recapping what I've been up to since my last post, and possibly some other thoughts I've had on my mind since then. Things again, are going fairly well, work's been up and down, but that's kind of par for the course. The excitement wasn't going to last forever. Or perhaps the excitement in another part of my life has been so much so that everything else just seems... black and white. Let me elaborate.

About a year ago, I met a guy. An abnormal guy I thought, since we met under unusual circumstances, but the word about how nice of a guy I am spreads far, apparently. He knew about me through a mutual friend of ours. I wasn't in the best circumstances, and needed some help getting back on my feet while... I got back on my feet. He assisted, and we continued talking since then. Little did I know, my life was going to change. It's been a change in a very, very good way. That guy's name is Aaron, and I couldn't be happier I ever met him. Now, for those of you single people reading this, I know what it feels like, I've been there. I've been there for many years. In fact, my pup came along when I least expected it. Like everyone said the guy would.

After Connor, I thought I would never love again. He tore apart my insides, and threw them into a blender. I just wasn't the same person since then, reaching out for attention, love, affection, emotion... I have very few people I'd really consider good friends anymore, but my roommates Scott and Dennis were there for me. I sort of feel bad sometimes, because I lay all of my griefs and problems on them somedays. Through all my breakups, they've seen all my breakdowns. The heartwrenching moments you may have experienced when you see one of your dearest friends crying their eyes out because they feel like they've reached the end of their rope? Yeah.

Scott and Dennis, thank you. Just for being there. The hugs when tears were strolling down my face like niagara, when I needed someone to talk to badly, when I needed a person. Just... company. Thank you. Continuing with my story: My pup just sort of appeared out of nowhere, and I suppose if he hadn't been persistent enough, I may not have ever opened my heart to the idea of being with him. I'm realizing now, that would've been a huge mistake. Aaron, thank you. For being the one person who's... accepted every part of me. For caring for me, for loving me, for being that person I've been looking for, for so long. I love you.

Since my last post, we've been spending a weekend or so a month together, which has been a blast. Whether it be a trip to a amusement park or just laying in bed for half the day, I enjoy him. We enjoy each other. We'll be moving in together by the end of the year, which may seem like a little fast, but I've never been so sure I'll get along with someone in my life before, and neither has he. I've wanted to settle down for a long time now. It's about time. This is a feeling I haven't had in quite a long time. I'm opening up again, and it's been a rollercoaster of emotions, from happy to hurting in 0 seconds. Happy I have him in my life, and hurting when I have to see him go. 

In the car the other day when we were having our last morning together for a month, a Pet Shop Boys album was on. "Home and Dry" was one of the songs that started playing. I listened to the chorus, and later on realized how appropriate it was for our relationship (minus the transatlantic miles portion, but the rest is pretty appropriate). We've got a few songs for each other, but I was happy to find another one that generated a few tears of thoughtfulness when listening to. On to other good things that have been happening: I've quit smoking, and caffiene/soda. 3 weeks for soda, and just over a week for smoking. Both were hard, but I think in the long run, it'll be worth it. 

Somedays I don't feel like I'm out of the woods for smoking still (It has only been about a week so far), but mostly it was just a idle time killer. Which, last I looked at one of my tracker apps, it's been 10.5 hours I've found other things to do in. My overall health feels a little better, but we've had a heatwave recently, so going out and exercising hasn't quite been on the top of my list (So I can push myself physically). I've gotten back into being kinky, and sold my camera. I'll work on getting a replacement (Cannon DSLR) soon enough, but for now there's no rush as I haven't had anything to shoot, or been in the mood to shoot for some months anyway. Photography is just a hobby at this point, not going to make a business out of it, perhaps ever again. I'm patient.

I do still enjoy being the model though. That's still fun. I had a shoot this past weekend, and it was nice not having someone tell me to constantly suck in my gut. It's nice to have people accept you for who you are. If you're going to shoot a model, take in the awesome identity of that person. Don't chastise them as if you're their doctor, or fitness coach. Who cares what they do? If you don't like how that model looks, don't agree to shoot them. I don't do that with my models, and never will. I've been talking to some of my more long distance friends more, which is nice, and I'm glad I get to catch up with them every so often and keep in touch. Yes, I mean you, Ryan and Riley.

Being a goofball at the end of my day is a great way to relax, and have fun. Any of my friends that allows me to do that, I thank you for. It makes life easier, and well, just more fun. For now, I think I am going to sign off, as I can't think of much else to write about. I hope you all enjoyed this, and I'll be back soon enough with another post. Good night, and good luck.

Hello everyone, thank you for visiting and once again tuning in to another post of mine, where I write about what is going on in my life. I appreciate the visits and reads, and hope this blog gives you a bit of insight into my life, who I am, and hope to allow you into my world more and more as time goes on. Once again, using OmmWriter to write this post, which is awesome for helping concentration. Now, on to the meat, as it were.

I'll go ahead and start my writing about the newest addition to my life. My boyfriend. A.K.A. Nova (The GShep Momdog), he's been a friend of mine or someone I can look up to for a number of months now, and even though we are far apart, we are still seeing each other (in person!) once a month or so. We are being all sorts of silly and affectionate when we talk as well. I'm slowly coming around to admitting to myself that I have a heart that can still function romantically. I love you Nova. 

On the topic of love, I'm... still so scared to admit to myself that there is a heart deep down inside. I've tried to bury it so much, under all this dirt that's been piled on top of it, the comments, the stupid reasons people broke up with me. In reality, I need to take some of my mom's advice and realize most of these breakups weren't my damn fault, it was the other person's. As Ryan taught me, or tried to show me, I'm a diamond... a blue diamond. I take that as a diamond in the rough. Something to be treasured. As to why no one until now (relationship wise, not friendship wise, just to spell that out) realizes that I'm worth half a damn, is beyond me. 

What a weird journey love is. It completely destroys you at times, other times makes you feel like you've got the biggest adrenaline rush in the world, and other times, it just hurts. Because no matter how much you want to try to say it doesn't exist or "relationships aren't for me", you fall for someone. Whether it be months, years or even longer after before that comes true, it will happen. The ability to love is both a wonderful thing and a awful thing all at once. I've... been wanting someone to share my life with, and I think I've found that person. Thank you, Nova.

On another note, work's been going well, passing some tests, "moving on up" as they say. Finally, a job where I can feel like I'm making some progress and helping others all at the same time. Helping everyone as a whole. It's a good feeling. I'm glad to be where I am, and it's nice to see new faces with the same spunk and energy I have, wanting to learn. Wanting to absorb all the information they can. I've been living and breathing internet particles since I was about 10 or so, so this is all coming on pretty easy for me. 

As for the rest of my life, things are going pretty well. Allergies have been acting up a lot this past week, but as far as I understand from my doctor, this year is more severe than past years have been for that. Not looking forward to summer, but I never do. Sunny and cold would be the perfect weather all year long for me. I miss the nice brisk mornings. Getting to wake up, relax, take a deep breath, perhaps a walk. Enjoy the morning, for the beauty it holds. I still find sunrises to be the more beautiful of the two options for the day star's visibility. 

Now that I've got my allergies a bit more under control, I'm going to try to go out a bit more and either do some more modeling or photo shoots as the photographer. I've been leaving a few things out of my life too much during these last few months, and I need to jump back in. Headfirst. Photography, bondage, practicing drawing, singing, and just being generally happy. Also, within the next 2 years, I plan to concentrate a bit more on my health, so far I'm already drinking more water, which has been a step I haven't been able to take for years. 

Short of that, I need to get to a gym and work out, even if it's just by myself, I'm nearing the 200 mark now, and don't feel like going above it. If I do hit that mark, I absolutely have to do something to stay under it or work to get more fit. Fitness is the hardest thing for anyone to do, but in the long run, it pays off, you age better, and feel better as well. It's also nice to have something to show for it. The nice thing is, I've been under significantly less stress since I've moved to the job I'm at. I'm not breaking out (acne) as much, and things just feel more... calm.

In closing, I'd like to bring up something that happened just today actually, that felt rather nice. A friend needed help. I'd been there before. So... many times, really. You can't always plan for the worst to keep happening to you. Even if you do, the worst just keeps coming sometimes. So, I lent a helping paw, and he'll return the favor when he can. Someone to be appreciative of something I do for them, is ... a blessing, almost. It's such a good feeling. A warm feeling inside, that you only can get from genuinely helping someone. The best part is, he'll know that feeling too. He'll get to do it one day, and know what I'm talking about. 

Well, everyone, this was I suppose a short post, but that's... the way it is. Good night, and good luck.