On this wonderful evening in November, I'm writing again. A few things have spurred this occasion: I just got back from a furry convention. I also have been overdue for a long while in terms of updates as to how my life has been going in terms of work, love, and just life in general. I've also not had a chance to generally vent or express my emotions or thoughts unless it was to a specific person. A few people have commented when they see my blog that it's been a while since I've posted (obviously), so without further ado, away we go!

First on my list of things to go over is how the last weekend of my life went. I went to an absolutely wonderful furry convention called MidWest Fur Fest and it is held near Chicago, IL. It was my first visit to that area, or the state of Illinois in general. As I got on the plane with my boyfriend (Aaron) and one of my pups (Drew), I felt a little nervous. What was this con going to hold in store for me? I'd already forgotten my backpack of possible importance (Turned out to be nothing more in there than my tablet and some warmer clothes), who knew what would happen next? Who would I meet? How many people would I meet? Would it just be another let down? You see, I've been attending a local convention to San Jose called Further Confusion since 2006 or so. It's evolved a bit and certainly has grown. So much so now, we've moved into a convention center, and not just a hotel anymore. As the years have gone by though, it's felt less and less fun. No one new, no new panels, and no new... anything really. Understandably, I was a bit nervous. 

The first night was a bit frosty at about 28 degrees in the middle of the night, but that was really not all that bad compared to other weather I've experienced. Perhaps because I was never out in the cold long while there. At this point, I'm going to start using nicknames, and I apologize. I met up with one of my other pups (Chris), Royal, Cyan, Dusk, and a number of others. Most of the weekend was a bit of a blur in terms of how many people I met that I'd been talking to for months or even years. I am still a bit in shock at how well all of it went. I also met up with a good friend I'd met in Michigan some years ago (Osaka). At first, I thought it was going to be a bit lonely, but as I wandered and found more people just talking, and enjoying each other's company it was less hard to just sit down and people watch, or randomly say hello. One thing I noticed about the midwest, or maybe it's just this con, but... people seemed more homely, more friendly, more... happy. Out here, it seems people are so rushed and caught up in doing everything they can in 5 days that it's impossible to get a hello in. 

Thursday night, I ended up getting my registration all settled for the con, and milling about meeting people. Friday night, I got to hang out and meet a few more of my boyfriend's friends, Luna and Lupine and Trace. A event occurred that night that basically made my life almost flash before my eyes and to realize just who I have sleeping beside me each and every night. I had a good emotional breakdown that night and I think let down any possible walls I had to Aaron. He read me like a book in terms of how I was feeling that night, and it was eye opening. I have always been known to wear my heart on my shoulder, but it was most apparent that night. I realized if I lost him, I'd likely lose everything I've worked towards. I not only work towards making myself happy anymore, but I also work towards making a better life for me, Aaron, and our pups. I've never experienced the death of a person, but I think I'll safely say now, I never want to. I'm not prepared for it. I love you, Aaron. With all of my heart. 

Saturday night was a introspective night, in that we went down to the last main dance of the convention. As I watched as everyone got their groove on, I realized then that I always want to be young at heart, but I often still try to act older than I am. I was reminded of a off the cuff remark a friend had made towards me once in which he asked if I was living vicariously through him. I think as we get older, we have no choice but to do so. I look at my pups, and am reminded of the youth I had, and the energy. It's amazing to me to see the life of those around me, and enjoy each and every moment with them. Aaron and I both realized this weekend we're pretty much the closest we'll ever be to parents right now, and it's invigorating and a bit scary all at the same time. To know you can have such an impact on a person's life is ... weird. I never thought I would have the chance. Though if I think back on it, I suppose I've influenced many people in my life time. I've helped so many people, and made quite a impression on them to where they may never forget me. I know I won't forget them. Drew and Chris, you're the best pups I could ever have. Thank you.

Sunday was the last day with Chris, and I sometimes have a hard time reading him, but on this night, we both got to see a bit of him I know I myself am honored to have seen. Our parting goodbyes were sad, and it's always heartwarming to have someone cry in front of you/in your arms. One, because they trust you enough that they are willing to open themselves up to you completely in at least a small way to show that they are indeed human. I called him a Troopski, because I was reminded at that moment of when my half sister told me in the hospital I was a trooper. I told Chris he was gonna be a little troopski, because I know deep down inside he's a strong guy, and when he needs to, he can pull that strength together as well as remember he has 3 rocks he can lean on if he needs it. The beginning of the day was neat as I got to see the first dance competition I'd ever seen at a furry convention. It was put together well, and aside from sound issues, and a performer or two, the rest of the show was rather fantastic. So much untapped talent. I'm proud of Drew, who placed 3rd in the competition. Your hard work and patience paid off again, pup.

As I came across the rest of the performers through the rest of the evening, I told them what a great job they did and that it was great getting to watch them. After that, I was a little reflective, as I wandered around the convention as it was all ending. I went to the Dead Dog dance, which was well, dead... and happened upon Skrat as I came out. More untapped talent, and realization as to just how underappreciated some of us are, and if some people just gave more than a first glance, they'd see what we are truly capable of. I got tired and headed to bed for another night of sleep which was lacking. Thankfully my last to round out the convention. Monday was the usual end of a convention, but at this event I walked away from a number of people knowing that I'd see them again. To all the friends I met at MFF: Thank you. You made my convention worth it. To all the staff of MFF: Thank you as well. Very transparently behind the scenes doing everything to keep the con running smoothly. Sadly, I miss the doubletree warm cookies already.

As me and Aaron and Drew got on the plane home, Aaron was stepping forward with what I can only describe as a "wedding pace". I joked: "Oh come on, hurry up, you're not at a wedding... yet." We both smiled and had some wonderful things to talk about on the plane ride home, and then the drive home with Drew sleeping every chance he could. All in all, a great weekend. It was quite literally what I needed, and could not have wished for anything more this weekend. I got closer to my mate, my pups, and some friends. People I have missed in this post that I met at the con: The Irate Fox, Apollo, ISOWolf, Bobcat, Vaska, and so many others. I apologize if I forgot your name, but if I met you, thank you for hanging out! It was a lot of fun, and I look forward to seeing you again. 

I think that's all for now. This week is Thanksgiving, and I'll try to be making another post on that day mentioning all that I'm thankful for. I have a awful lot now I didn't have this time last year. By the way, if you would like to see the pictures me and Aaron took during the convention, feel free to click this little link: MidWest FurFest 2011 Pictures

Until next time, everyone. Good night, and good luck.

Hello again readers, I'm finding myself a bit bored on this fine Sunday evening so I thought I would write a blog post. Figured what better time, eh? I've got a bit of writer's block, so this post may be more scatterbrained than usual, but we'll just have to see how things flow. This weekend I got to spend some time with a friend of mine that has been intermittently visible in the grand scheme of things. It's nice to see people that enjoy your company, and honestly I'm more happy I got to spend some time with him and the housemates than going to a crowded event I was thinking about going to this weekend. 

I've been finding that I'm turning into something of a recluse, and not quite sure why. It's mildly aggravating, for sure. I need to fix that. Kind of on the subject of going out, I tried exercising for about a week, and noticed I was hemorraging pounds (lost like 10 pounds in a week). Not terribly healthy. So I've gone back to my normal eating routine, and not exercising as much. I found if I started counting calories, it seemed like I was starving all the time, which by the end of the week meant I had no energy to do anything except sleep. I'll have to try exercising more first, then cutting calories later, I think. I'm still hovering around the 190 mark, which is something of an improvement, at least. 

In roommate news, two of my roomies are moving out (in August), and my Boyfriend moves in. It'll be the first time I've lived with a boyfriend for the first time in over 3 years I believe. I've grown accustomed to having my own room, but honestly, I'm ready to have someone to share any common interests with be in the same room with me regularly. It'll also be neat to have a change of scenery from the room I've been living in for a little over 2 years now. The boyfriend and I have been kinda incommunicado while he's been getting things sorted out here, but we're both very much looking forward to being together finally. The roomies are looking forward to him as well. 

I've been giving some people I stopped talking to/been holding grudges against some 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) chances to create SOME sort of conversation, but it looks as though we stopped talking because we literally must not have had anything in common. Though given, nowadays I don't have a whole lot to talk about. I kinda enjoy just... watching people lately (at least if I'm in a group). Their mannerisms, their laughs, gaining insight into their ways of thinking, it's all very intriguing. Some people have called it creepy, but I like to think of my watching people as admiring them. Not creeping on them or anything. As I grow older, I've noticed it seems to be increasingly easy to be creepy, which is not something I've ever wanted to do, nor do I ever. I just try to be good people and good entertainment, and a good friend.

Work's going rather well still, I was mentioned in a meeting with some of the supervisors recently (apparently). I am doing a rather good job with training colleagues, and doing the work I do. It's a nice feeling to get that silly little 'pat on the back' for doing a good job. I'll likely be salaried by the end of the year with the way things are looking, but I suppose that's what pre-occupies my thoughts nowadays really, is just... work. I don't have much else until my pup comes out, and I find it hard to just relax at the end of the day. I imagine that'll change when my pup comes out.

One of the other things I'm looking forward to (it's kind of work-related, which is sad), is getting a network set up that is optimal for everyone in it. Doing monitoring to make sure everything's running smoothly. I... think I still have a little bit of network administrator in me, and my boyfriend seems to feed that side of me as well. I enjoy it. It makes me feel, well, not so stupid when it comes to computers. And while most of you may think I'm not stupid when it comes to computers, I... may not be. But I feel out of date for sure. 

Anyway, I think that's enough of a brain splurge for now. If you want to see me write about something else, let me know, but in the meantime, I'm off. Good night, and good luck.

Once again, I'm overdue for a hello. But here I am, writing another post for all of you to enjoy and me to look back on. I hope all of you are doing well, or at least mildly so. I'll be covering a few things in this post, and mostly this is going to be recapping what I've been up to since my last post, and possibly some other thoughts I've had on my mind since then. Things again, are going fairly well, work's been up and down, but that's kind of par for the course. The excitement wasn't going to last forever. Or perhaps the excitement in another part of my life has been so much so that everything else just seems... black and white. Let me elaborate.

About a year ago, I met a guy. An abnormal guy I thought, since we met under unusual circumstances, but the word about how nice of a guy I am spreads far, apparently. He knew about me through a mutual friend of ours. I wasn't in the best circumstances, and needed some help getting back on my feet while... I got back on my feet. He assisted, and we continued talking since then. Little did I know, my life was going to change. It's been a change in a very, very good way. That guy's name is Aaron, and I couldn't be happier I ever met him. Now, for those of you single people reading this, I know what it feels like, I've been there. I've been there for many years. In fact, my pup came along when I least expected it. Like everyone said the guy would.

After Connor, I thought I would never love again. He tore apart my insides, and threw them into a blender. I just wasn't the same person since then, reaching out for attention, love, affection, emotion... I have very few people I'd really consider good friends anymore, but my roommates Scott and Dennis were there for me. I sort of feel bad sometimes, because I lay all of my griefs and problems on them somedays. Through all my breakups, they've seen all my breakdowns. The heartwrenching moments you may have experienced when you see one of your dearest friends crying their eyes out because they feel like they've reached the end of their rope? Yeah.

Scott and Dennis, thank you. Just for being there. The hugs when tears were strolling down my face like niagara, when I needed someone to talk to badly, when I needed a person. Just... company. Thank you. Continuing with my story: My pup just sort of appeared out of nowhere, and I suppose if he hadn't been persistent enough, I may not have ever opened my heart to the idea of being with him. I'm realizing now, that would've been a huge mistake. Aaron, thank you. For being the one person who's... accepted every part of me. For caring for me, for loving me, for being that person I've been looking for, for so long. I love you.

Since my last post, we've been spending a weekend or so a month together, which has been a blast. Whether it be a trip to a amusement park or just laying in bed for half the day, I enjoy him. We enjoy each other. We'll be moving in together by the end of the year, which may seem like a little fast, but I've never been so sure I'll get along with someone in my life before, and neither has he. I've wanted to settle down for a long time now. It's about time. This is a feeling I haven't had in quite a long time. I'm opening up again, and it's been a rollercoaster of emotions, from happy to hurting in 0 seconds. Happy I have him in my life, and hurting when I have to see him go. 

In the car the other day when we were having our last morning together for a month, a Pet Shop Boys album was on. "Home and Dry" was one of the songs that started playing. I listened to the chorus, and later on realized how appropriate it was for our relationship (minus the transatlantic miles portion, but the rest is pretty appropriate). We've got a few songs for each other, but I was happy to find another one that generated a few tears of thoughtfulness when listening to. On to other good things that have been happening: I've quit smoking, and caffiene/soda. 3 weeks for soda, and just over a week for smoking. Both were hard, but I think in the long run, it'll be worth it. 

Somedays I don't feel like I'm out of the woods for smoking still (It has only been about a week so far), but mostly it was just a idle time killer. Which, last I looked at one of my tracker apps, it's been 10.5 hours I've found other things to do in. My overall health feels a little better, but we've had a heatwave recently, so going out and exercising hasn't quite been on the top of my list (So I can push myself physically). I've gotten back into being kinky, and sold my camera. I'll work on getting a replacement (Cannon DSLR) soon enough, but for now there's no rush as I haven't had anything to shoot, or been in the mood to shoot for some months anyway. Photography is just a hobby at this point, not going to make a business out of it, perhaps ever again. I'm patient.

I do still enjoy being the model though. That's still fun. I had a shoot this past weekend, and it was nice not having someone tell me to constantly suck in my gut. It's nice to have people accept you for who you are. If you're going to shoot a model, take in the awesome identity of that person. Don't chastise them as if you're their doctor, or fitness coach. Who cares what they do? If you don't like how that model looks, don't agree to shoot them. I don't do that with my models, and never will. I've been talking to some of my more long distance friends more, which is nice, and I'm glad I get to catch up with them every so often and keep in touch. Yes, I mean you, Ryan and Riley.

Being a goofball at the end of my day is a great way to relax, and have fun. Any of my friends that allows me to do that, I thank you for. It makes life easier, and well, just more fun. For now, I think I am going to sign off, as I can't think of much else to write about. I hope you all enjoyed this, and I'll be back soon enough with another post. Good night, and good luck.

Hello everyone, thank you for visiting and once again tuning in to another post of mine, where I write about what is going on in my life. I appreciate the visits and reads, and hope this blog gives you a bit of insight into my life, who I am, and hope to allow you into my world more and more as time goes on. Once again, using OmmWriter to write this post, which is awesome for helping concentration. Now, on to the meat, as it were.

I'll go ahead and start my writing about the newest addition to my life. My boyfriend. A.K.A. Nova (The GShep Momdog), he's been a friend of mine or someone I can look up to for a number of months now, and even though we are far apart, we are still seeing each other (in person!) once a month or so. We are being all sorts of silly and affectionate when we talk as well. I'm slowly coming around to admitting to myself that I have a heart that can still function romantically. I love you Nova. 

On the topic of love, I'm... still so scared to admit to myself that there is a heart deep down inside. I've tried to bury it so much, under all this dirt that's been piled on top of it, the comments, the stupid reasons people broke up with me. In reality, I need to take some of my mom's advice and realize most of these breakups weren't my damn fault, it was the other person's. As Ryan taught me, or tried to show me, I'm a diamond... a blue diamond. I take that as a diamond in the rough. Something to be treasured. As to why no one until now (relationship wise, not friendship wise, just to spell that out) realizes that I'm worth half a damn, is beyond me. 

What a weird journey love is. It completely destroys you at times, other times makes you feel like you've got the biggest adrenaline rush in the world, and other times, it just hurts. Because no matter how much you want to try to say it doesn't exist or "relationships aren't for me", you fall for someone. Whether it be months, years or even longer after before that comes true, it will happen. The ability to love is both a wonderful thing and a awful thing all at once. I've... been wanting someone to share my life with, and I think I've found that person. Thank you, Nova.

On another note, work's been going well, passing some tests, "moving on up" as they say. Finally, a job where I can feel like I'm making some progress and helping others all at the same time. Helping everyone as a whole. It's a good feeling. I'm glad to be where I am, and it's nice to see new faces with the same spunk and energy I have, wanting to learn. Wanting to absorb all the information they can. I've been living and breathing internet particles since I was about 10 or so, so this is all coming on pretty easy for me. 

As for the rest of my life, things are going pretty well. Allergies have been acting up a lot this past week, but as far as I understand from my doctor, this year is more severe than past years have been for that. Not looking forward to summer, but I never do. Sunny and cold would be the perfect weather all year long for me. I miss the nice brisk mornings. Getting to wake up, relax, take a deep breath, perhaps a walk. Enjoy the morning, for the beauty it holds. I still find sunrises to be the more beautiful of the two options for the day star's visibility. 

Now that I've got my allergies a bit more under control, I'm going to try to go out a bit more and either do some more modeling or photo shoots as the photographer. I've been leaving a few things out of my life too much during these last few months, and I need to jump back in. Headfirst. Photography, bondage, practicing drawing, singing, and just being generally happy. Also, within the next 2 years, I plan to concentrate a bit more on my health, so far I'm already drinking more water, which has been a step I haven't been able to take for years. 

Short of that, I need to get to a gym and work out, even if it's just by myself, I'm nearing the 200 mark now, and don't feel like going above it. If I do hit that mark, I absolutely have to do something to stay under it or work to get more fit. Fitness is the hardest thing for anyone to do, but in the long run, it pays off, you age better, and feel better as well. It's also nice to have something to show for it. The nice thing is, I've been under significantly less stress since I've moved to the job I'm at. I'm not breaking out (acne) as much, and things just feel more... calm.

In closing, I'd like to bring up something that happened just today actually, that felt rather nice. A friend needed help. I'd been there before. So... many times, really. You can't always plan for the worst to keep happening to you. Even if you do, the worst just keeps coming sometimes. So, I lent a helping paw, and he'll return the favor when he can. Someone to be appreciative of something I do for them, is ... a blessing, almost. It's such a good feeling. A warm feeling inside, that you only can get from genuinely helping someone. The best part is, he'll know that feeling too. He'll get to do it one day, and know what I'm talking about. 

Well, everyone, this was I suppose a short post, but that's... the way it is. Good night, and good luck.

Hello everyone.

I decided I am a bit overdue for writing a blog post. I figured a good time to try writing a new post was now, as I also wanted to try out this new program, OmmWriter. It is actually kind of nice. Blanks out everything else, all the distractions in life, and plays calming music to help your mind feel at ease. I will link to it later on in this post. I also feel that since writing is one of my stronger points, I need to start writing more. So here we are then, and off we go! Be forewarned, this is more of a freewrite than my structured blog posts, so I might skip around a bit.

An update to my life. Everything is going fairly well, nothing great, nothing awful. I've got my friends, a house to live in, blah, blah... blah. I've been feeling a large amount of bored lately. I can't explain what it is, but it's almost hard to do anything when I come home. There's not much to do except watch new TV, or reruns of old shows on Netflix. Games haven't done much to catch my attention, and I can't stand talking on the phone anymore, mostly due to my job. I long to have one of those heart to heart talks I used to have with Ari. Though talking with Syke more often helps me feel... less pent up emotionally. I'll get my chance to have an emotional dump sooner or later.

I'm missing something in life, and it feels more and more like someone to share my life with. Not because... I'm lonely, per se. I've grown rather comfortable with my own presence, and in my self worth. I just would like someone to come home to and talk about not only how my day went, but what my thoughts on things are. I haven't gotten out of the house in months other than to go to something like a photo shoot or something as short lived (At least not that I recall). I've... realized that being kinky is something I want to start exploring again, but now am ok with just doing it by myself. The effort it takes to try to find someone compatible with me is almost impossible I've found. Someone that I can trust to open that part of myself to without feeling like I'm some kind of freak. 

There are those kinky people in my life that I do wholly appreciate. Bill, Ari, Dennis... this is not to say I don't appreciate those of you I consider my friends. I do. I, in fact, appreciate you more now than ever. I don't feel like I have a whole lot of people to talk to, which at times does feel a little lonely. But, have to move on, have to push forward. Going back to exploring my kinky side, it's weird. I was ready to give up everything basically to move on with my photography business. But that was of course, when I couldn't stand my job. Now I actually do like it, and also realized that a photographer in the San Francisco Bay Area is probably like 1 of every 10 people here. I don't know how some people I knew managed to make it, but they're doing it. I just don't have the energy to do that kind of advertising.

But now that I've decided to put the photography business on hold indefinitely, I can finally treat myself. Do the things for myself no one else will. I kinda realized the other day the reason I like to spend money so much is because then I can treat myself. In all of my relationships, I'd always been the person spoiling the other. In my friendships, I wouldn't say I quite spoil anyone, I feel I pay them back for the insurmountable pleasure I get out of just having their company. I enjoy getting to spend one on one time with people. That's how I've always been, and I recall a conversation with my friend Scott a long time ago about being that kind of person. It's funny the random things your mind recalls at times. I'm glad I have the memories I do. The bad ones make me the person I am today, and the good ones are for me to look back and smile on. 

Speaking of memories, I think I will look back on some of those now. In my own life, when I lived just down the street from where I do now, I remember being a child and trying to walk home instead of taking the bus, because my mom never picked me up. The days when I didn't know better. When I lived in East San Jose, and rushing through life too fast to realize there was a car who wanted to share some sentiments with me. The driver didn't get away with that. The day I woke up to blood on my mom's car, we got out of there as soon as we could. Belmont: You've mostly been the scorn of my memories. I think in many ways, you made me stronger, and want to move on. To the people in my life. Scott T: San Francisco, wandering around. Oakland, hanging out with friends. Sunnyvale, one of your first places you were out on your own. The lemonade you made out of the car life gave you. The pick n pull to find parts for that lemon. 

Dennis K: When I hung out with you in Fremont, it felt like I was back in school. I enjoyed that, and we always seemed to have some new adventure to go on. Connor D: Photos in that beautiful city of Grand Rapids. I hear about you every so often, and wonder what life is going to be like for you. Stephen T: I remember the most wonderful opportunity I had again to move out from my mom's and into Belmont with you. What a ride, eh? I still love you. Ryan B: San Diego, singing in the car, break ups, and bonding stronger. Thank you. I don't need to say more. Other memories of my life fade in and out, like the trips to raging waters with my friend Andrew every year when I was younger. My teenage years, some rough ones for sure. Crying felt good then. 

Well, I feel I should probably wrap up this post, but to those of you who read it, I thank you. It felt good to get some of this off my mind, and you know... I look forward to my next post. I hope you do too. Take care everyone.

-M.

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Links: OmmWriter 

Hello everyone, I know it’s been a very long time since I have actually written a blog post, but hopefully today will make up for that. Of course the only time I can manage to do it is if I have not much else to do, so I am writing this post on Caltrain as I head up to San Francisco. A lot has happened since the last time I wrote a blog post. I’ve started 2 jobs, had some rather good luck in my life, with its ups and downs. Between my photography, and trying to delve headfirst into work, I’ve had little to no time to really keep up with any of my friends locally. I do apologize for that. I don’t suppose it’s not for lack of trying though. But on to the things that have been keeping me pre-occupied over the past 6+ months.

First on my mind is work. I now work just a short commute from home, with better hours and better scheduling in general. 2010 wasn’t terribly kind to me, but it does appear 2011 and on will be working out better for me. I’m terribly thankful for that. In other work related details, I’ve tried to turn my hobby of photography into something worth more than just a hobby, but that seems to have failed for the most part. And you know what? I’m quite ok with that. With my brief experience of having a gig, it doesn’t seem that’s for me. I’m enjoying the models I get to do TFCD or TFP work with much more. And with no partner in crime to work with, I can do what I want when I want. In terms of my job, I’m still doing technical work. And I get to learn in my new job, which has been something I’ve aimed towards for a number of years.

As for myself, I feel I’ve certainly changed in the past year. My last job did manage to allow me to be ok with not having almost anyone in my life. I’ve burned a number of bridges in 2010, and that mostly has to do with no longer having patience for the type of people who have no respect for my time or courtesy. I may be too… how would one put it, outspoken or even bitchy, but I’d say that’s a result of being burned one too many times. Deep down inside, I’m still the same happy fluffy person most of you know, but I’ve grown a hard outer shell that’s much harder to get through. This is not to say that those of you I have seen or communicated with in the past I hate or anything like that. I do thoroughly enjoy the company I have and want to share the both the good times and the bad with each and every one of my friends.

Speaking of friends, in terms of love life, I’m still alone. That’s ok, it’s tiring, but it’s ok. Had some possibilities, but all of which have been long distance. This is not saying I don’t want to do that again, but I just don’t know if deep down inside if I’m ready to try that expense again yet. I think 2011 might be a year where I do more of what I started doing in 2010 where I explored the dreams and whatnot I have. Whether it be to get more fit (We’ll see how well that works out) or to actually explore singing to the extent I’ve wanted to all my life. I’ve found the more I get to explore these things, the less I have to be envious of other people for. I get to be in those people’s shoes and realize it may or may not be for me. This is not to say I ever want to be full of myself. I never wanted that as a kid, and certainly don’t now. If I do seem like I boast sometimes, please let me know. Constructive criticism is always welcome.

At this point, I’d like to apologize if I’ve been too “all over the place” in this post, but this is more of a free write than a structured, paragraph by paragraph, well written essay. At this point, I’d like to thank a certain friend of mine, Syke who pointed out something to me in one of our recent talks. I’d mentioned my frustrations in life recently, and he pointed out that everything is going well for me right now. I would have to agree. Literally the only thing missing is what used to be a lot of friends to hang out with, and a love life. Work is great, my hobbies that I do get around to are great, and I get a big kick out of accomplishing more in both of those things. Home life is good, with my roommates being my saviors from me going absolutely nuts. My health right now doesn’t seem the best, but I’m working to fix that as well.

Between being sick for basically the month of December, and now having some weird sort of heartburn thing going on, it’s been what feels like too long since I’ve felt “normal” with regards to my health. I’ve taken care of my acne, which has been a major dissatisfaction with myself for years. I’ve gotten a new piercing (Thank those of you that voted). I’ve thought about other permanent changes to my appearance, but a tattoo is going to require some more thought and time before that happens. I can’t really think of anything else regarding my health to talk about, I suppose.

I’d also like to thank my friend Denali for saying one of the kindest things to me that has quite possibly ever been said to me, and my friend Bill for being there for me on those days when I’ve been absolutely sour (Def: When I shouldn’t be talking to people). It’s kind of funny, when I wanted to take my photography a little more seriously, I started setting up a home office. It’s definitely gone way past that now, but I think now I kind of want to work on making it feel more attractive in terms of eye-catching. Lots of photos of my friends or models on the wall, but one of my goals I suppose is to cover all of my walls with pictures of my friends. If you’d like to help me with that, please let me know. I’d absolutely love to achieve that goal quicker. Next station stop: San Carlos.

I miss taking the train, it was always nice to know I was going somewhere fun, somewhere out of the house. Today I’m off to what I hear should be a fun time doing modeling for seriousmalebondage.com. Another reason I’m glad I’m not just a photographer. I do enjoy modeling an awful lot, and it’s nice to feel like I’m still attractive, even as I start to approach my 30’s. I need to make yet another list (Yes, another, for those of you who have seen my room lately) that lists some of these goals I’m trying to set for myself. It helps me keep myself in check and remind myself of things I might have otherwise forgotten. I should also aim to try to write a blog post a month at least. I do enjoy this writing thing, and heck who knows, maybe it’d be fun to write a book one day. It seems I have absolutely no issue when it comes to writing a lot, but that may also be because I have a lot to say. At 26, I feel like I’ve experienced so much. That’s one lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to for certain. The lifestyle of “enjoy life as much as possible and explore as many new things so that I can’t die saying I’ve never tried anything”. It’s a fun ride for sure, kind of like some of my rides on the train (he says with a smirk).

Looks like it’s time for another carriage return. This post is at 1,300 words and counting, which seems like a nice place to stop. It’s funny, at this point; I reminisce of when I would read over my older writing and realize that my writing style hasn’t changed much. At least not when free writing. Hillsdale now, close to one of my previous homes. Oh Belmont, you pit stain of a town. Well, with the end of this post, I leave you the reader with this question: What would you like to see me write about next? I might split up the posts with part opinion article, and part what’s going on with my life. Until next time everyone. Good night, and good luck.

So, I've been inspired by TheHumanAvatar http://www.thehumanavatar.com/ to get something pierced once I get the money. I will post video and photos, etc. But now... it's time for you to make a decision. Lip or brow? Vote now! http://www.rawrf.net/poll.php

So I decided to write a rather long journal entry today, as I figure it's one of the few times I will have to do so before I start my new job, woot! I start on Tuesday, and the position will be for a Customer Service Representative (Tier 2). The soundtrack to this post fyi, is The Outfield - "Your Love" on repeat. I've been getting hooked on songs a lot lately, all sappy n shit I know, but that's how I am. Thank you Connor for opening up that side of me again. I'm rather happy to be employed again after a looooong period of time. Topics I'll be covering in this post include:

• What I've been doing in the year and a half I've been unemployed (will likely be long in and of itself)
• Coverage of my love life and romantic thoughts
• My thoughts on the gulf oil spill and eco-centric items
• Finally, people I appreciate in my life (You know I have to put this in there)

So to start: What have I been doing with my life for the past year and a half? Well, I've gone on a few trips, to Southern California, to Bakersfield, Vegas, experienced more in bondage and love and kinks/interests than I ever have. It's a rather nice thing to have had some time off to sort of step back and re-organize what I want to do in my life. My trip to Southern California to see my unca Ryan was fantastic, got to see my friend Charlie, Winter, and meet a new friend (who albeit I don't talk to too often), Phil. Thank you for letting me stay with you, all! And I hope to see all of you again soon. Vegas was well, a disaster, glad I didn't bother putting forth a whole lot of effort to get out there and back. Bakersfield was a recent trip I did for a photo shoot, and those pictures aren't posted quite just yet on the photographer's site. However, if you'd like to see them, just let me know. I've been doing a lot of photo shoots as well in this time. More as a model than as a photographer, which honestly is fine. I've had a lot of fun doing it. 

Doing shoots as a model, I realized photographers liked seeing me with a bit of makeup (eyeliner or foundation). Then I thought to myself, huh! I've been curious about doing feminine things (crossdressing, mainly) for a very long time! Why haven't I acted on this? Soooo, after I realized I can pull off looking like a rather hot woman, I decided why not, let's go for it! So I did. So now I have new material to do shoots with, which honestly has almost been more fun than just being a kinky guy. I've also found a number of photographers don't know what they want to add to their portfolio, so as I mentioned on twitter/facebook lately, I did my last shoot actually just yesterday as a model, mostly because of the photographers not knowing what they want to add to their portfolio reason. When I have some more ideas for pictures, I'll search out a photographer and shoot with them again. At this point, it's kind of giggleworthy to think that I make a large amount of my friends look almost vanilla.

Part of this whole time I've gotten to re-assess what I'm here on earth for. And I figure, while I'm here, might as well have a lot of fun! So exploring new kinks, interests, being more open to eating new foods, has been part of it. I'm still into bondage just as much as ever, still the same old Feles (or Matt) you all know. But I've enjoyed making yet another "character" for my feminine self. So now I have Feles, Matt, and Veronica. I thank each and every one of my friends for being so wonderful and open to each and every idea I have, and the varying levels of comfort is always interesting to see as well. Thank some of you for the tips you've given me too! But a main part of the reason I am here as well is I realized to pass on any and all knowledge I have of anything I have. Ari, you've given me the title of "Captain Internet", and I do think I'm rather knowledgeable in the things I do/am interested in, but it's not ALL internet-centric. 

On to my love life. I don't want to be too terribly descriptive, seeing as everyone doesn't need to know everything, but I've had two relationships in this past year and a half, and both were long distance, mostly as I saw something in those people I've never seen or had in common with anyone locally previous to even now. Ryan, I love you still, and we'll be the best of friends forever. I know we will have many many more hilarious moments to come. I still want to do the "Popular" idea with me in drag. Ryan and I ended on a good note, obviously, and I'm terribly thankful for that. Next up was the love of my life, Connor. Connor, I've never fallen for anyone so hard as I did for you, and I'm thankful I still get to have you in my life. After a struggle with a 2,000 mile separation, sadly, the distance won. But perhaps sometime in the future, there won't be such a distance to fight. No one can tell the future, and heck, in the meantime, we can still be wonderfully sappy (and kinky!) friends. I was in a relationship with each for about 3 months, but now I get to be the wonderful person at least one of these lovers fell in love with way back when. 

Romantic thoughts: As with everything else, I've found that I've learned a lot about love in almost 2 years. It's not something you screw with, and all barriers can be jumped or worked through. I know that may sound like I'm contradicting myself, given I'm single again. But, I assure you that in those months I was with a lover, that I realized communication really is key, in any kind of friendship or even relationship. I've found that by being more honest and open with people (not just Ryan and Connor) that I end up hurting all parties less and also feel a heck of a lot better about myself. People tend to appreciate honesty, and if they're mature enough, like you even more for it, regardless of what the truth was. I've realized I still enjoy being as much of a hopeless romantic as I was years and years ago. I don't think I'll ever completely turn off that side of me again, no matter how bitter I become.

My thoughts on the oil spill and thoughts about our earth and it's ecosystem, etc. The oil spill is an awful thing, I'm surprised it's managed to last this long. I AM happy to see that there's companies out there helping to support the relief of it. Threadless is one of the companies that has caught my attention... they are still selling as of this post, a shirt called PeliCAN, in which all of the proceeds from sales of the shirt go to the Gulf Relief Network. Go! Go buy now! Oh fine, you want a link. Here you go, ya lazy bum: http://www.threadless.com/product/2346/peliCAN As for the environmental thoughts, I think we could all certainly deal with moving to solar now, don't you think? It may be expensive now, but it certainly pays for itself in time, and in the end is a LOT cheaper than using up the limited fossil fuels our earth has now. In essence, we're running on empty, and have been for a long time.

In closing, I would like to thank all of the friends who have been with me during this period of time, and the new ones I've made! My biggest thank yous of course go to Ryan and Connor, followed by (in no particular order) Kyle, Riley, James, Ari, Steinbeck, Kel, Darkrage, Denali, Adrian, Vlad, Bill, Frank, Doryuu, Tsukaza, Cameron, Sandie, Chris P., Icefoxx, Damienfox, Mikey E., Mr. Flipperhuskyfluffybutt, Jess H., my mom, Winterpaws, Charlie, Al, Clint, Brandon, Mango, Mr. Benton, Michael B., Mishta Fang, Uck, and many many more. Thank you all for being a part of my life, and I will see you all again (or meet you for the first time) soon. I promise. Oh shit... it's the cops! I better get outta here. Cheese it!

So... I came across this posting today:
http://sfbay.craigslist.org/pen/cpg/1734386656.html
Which if you click the link reads, simply:

"Part-time contract work available for a Computer Technician to install USB memory in servers. Must be available to work late afternoon-early evening. Must be able to pass a criminal background check. Please email your resume."

So, I thought what the heck... and asked a few of my friends what the heck this post might be about. Here, in no particular order, are their responses:
1. *insert usb device* Done!
2. Seems a little odd, doesn't it?
3. I'm not quite sure..what..that job...is supposed to be..or do
4. Huh... that's odd.....

So I figured, if me and a few techie friends can't figure out what the heck it is, maybe the people who posted might know! So, sure enough, I emailed them with this:

"So, I came across your posting for a Computer Tech, and just had to ask:
What is USB Memory? As far as I know, you're talking about hard drive space... though USB drives aren't technically hard drives, they aren't quite memory either. So please let me know what in tarnation you are talking about.

Thanks,
Management"

Guess we'll see if they respond with anything fun. ^.^

Hey all, just thought I would post here as well as the usual spots... I can't manage to sell my photography. I recently posted a ad on Fiverr
(http://www.fiverr.com/users/felesaerius/gigs/shoot-at-least-25-great-pictures-of-you)

Seeing if anyone would respond. No one has seriously responded to it. To attract the furries... I'm sure there are fursuiters out there who would love some great shots of them in suit... or of their suits. Here, take a look at the shots I took of Arf in a local park!
http://www.rawrf.net/photos/arfshoot/

Please let me know if you are interested. For $5, this is a steal!